Sola Christo

So, happiness and joy and light! I finally has a job! Took long enough, but hey! God has his own timing, right? Even though, I will admit, a lot of times I think it sucks. But he’s God and he knows best. But I praise God for looking out for me because I’m his child…when unsaved people find jobs, too… How does that work? I dunno, but for one day, at least, I’m not going to be a doubting Thomas. So we’ll see what happens. I have a job, and it pays junky, but hopefully it’ll get better after the 90 days.

So…God came through for me. Ya know, a lot of times we’re just like, hey, what the mess, why isn’t God providing for me? That’s his job, right? And we get angry and bitter that God isn’t doing what he should…I know, because I’ve been that way. But what about now? God has provided. He has, once again, proven himself faithful. So what is my response? I’m not gonna lie: my first response was, I’ve got a job, but I’ll hold off on thanking God until I know how good the job is…when I should be thankful to have a job at all! But isn’t that just like us as humans? I’m going to grumble about how much life stinks, but when it gets a little better…I’m going to grumble about that too. I have a job now…sure it’s minimum wage, but last time I checked, minimum wage is still a whole lot better than, well, nothing. You can check my math on that one, but I’m pretty sure I’m right…

So what is my response going to be? Am I going to thank God, or grumble? Realize how much he is working in my life, or complain that he’s not working enough? The answer should be obvious, and it is…but will the action follow?

Have you ever had a conversation with yourself? I have…generally after I’ve done something especially stupid and I’m beating myself up about it. Which seems to happen a lot, come to think of it. Oh, well. Anyway, this time y’all get the special privilege of listening in as I talk to myself.

So, hey Katy, what have you been up to lately?

Oh, not much, just hanging out, looking for a job, trying to stay out of trouble, throwing knives, trying to figure out just who in the world God is, planning a wedding…stuff like that.

Um, wow. Sounds like you’ve been kinda busy. What’s up with the looking for a job thing? I could have sworn you had that pretty awesome one with Wack-the-nut…what happened?

Hey…Wackenhut! Get it right! Anyway, yeah, got fired…long story short, I made an honest mistake, but lied to cover it up because I felt stupid. Then I lied a few more times…finally turned myself in, and got fired for it. I feel bad about both the lying, because everyone involved knew I was a Christian, and the getting fired, because I really kinda need a job. I don’t think it’s economically wise to live off your credit card.

What about chucking knives? Wouldn’t it be better for you if you just kinda, ya know, stayed away from the whole sharp objects thing? All those swords in your room probably aren’t helping you out, either…

I don’t know. Telling me to stay away from swords and weapons is like telling a cat-lover to stay away from cats…it’s just not likely to happen, ya know? The knives are fun to throw, though…and my brother and I even had a contest (he won). But knives, swords, throwing stars…I’ve always had a fascination with blades (not the Daywalker kind)…I don’t see that ever changing.

What’s this about wedding plans? I’ve been looking through this whole blog and haven’t found a single mention of engagement, wedding, or even who the mystery man is…what’s up with that?

Right, well, I haven’t blogged for a long time…the mystery man goes by Nathanael, and he is, well, pretty much totally amazing. We are engaged, obviously, and planning to be wedded early in January. Much has to happen before then…sometimes I think too much, but hey, that’s the way life goes. 

So…who in the world is God? Back a few posts ago, you seemed to have that pretty much down…now you’re questioning that again. Why? God hasn’t changed. What he was then he is now. You’re the one who has been doing all the changing. So what’s up with that? How has your spiritual life been?

My spiritual life? You mean I’m supposed to have one of those? Because, well, for the most part, I don’t. And you’re right…God hasn’t changed. The difference is me. And I have changed, a lot. I’ve become definitely more cynical, more analytical. And I know it’s possible to be analytical and have faith, I just really haven’t reached that point yet. It’s hard to have faith in someone you just don’t know very well. Not that that’s God’s fault. It is totally mine…I haven’t spent much time trying to get to know him. One thing that’s been kind of pushing me back towards God is this: I cannot possibly be the best person I could be, live up to my full potential, without God. And if I’m not doing that, I’m not being the best person, employee, friend, lover, or fiance that I could be. And that’s not really fair to other people, employers, friends, and especially not to Nathanael. Make sense?

Yuppers, totally. Thanks for the update. Come back soon and blog more…people want to know what’s happening with you, okay? Ciao!

In my last blog post, I posted a poem that I had written several years ago, expressing doubt as to where God is in trouble. Recently I came across a poem that I wrote last semester in response to the questions raised in the first one. At first glance, the second one is fatalistic. At least, that’s what I thought when I first read it today. Then I read it again, and realized that my mindset was not fatalistic, but rather, trusting. Trusting that God is in control and does have a plan, and that I don’t have to know that plan. So here they are. Enjoy.

“Why?”

Where is God when I can’t find him?
Does he hide when life grows dim?
Why does he delight in keeping
All the knowledge that I’m seeking
Away from my hand?
I don’t understand.

“It doesn’t matter”

“Where is God when I can’t find him”
You must first seek to find.
“Does he hide when life grows dim?”
Perhaps the dimness is more kind.
“Why does he delight in keeping
All the knowledge that I’m seeking
Away from my hand?”
Peace for you will only start
When you cease to look within your heart
For the knowledge that you crave.
“I don’t understand.”
Nor will you till the grave.

It is not, perhaps, my best poetry. Sadly enough, I write my best poetry only when I’m depressed. But I think it gets the point across reasonably well.