Sola Christo

Now

Katy — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 20:07:58 +0000

Of what should I write? Of lighter times and happier memories? Looking back will not change the future, nor the present. What’s past is gone, and what’s future yet to come. The only reality is now. And so, as I lie upon my bed with pen in hand, what is now? Moments fly by with ever letter inscribed, yet what is now? Now is dark nights and darker days; now is sunrays peeking through. Now is happiness and terror and love and anger. Now is not past, although without now there would be no past. And without past, there is no future. So now is also memories; now is hopes. Now is joy and sadness and light and dark. All of this is now, and yet more besides, for you see, Now…is Life.

Happiness and joy and light?

Katy — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:47:52 +0000

So, happiness and joy and light! I finally has a job! Took long enough, but hey! God has his own timing, right? Even though, I will admit, a lot of times I think it sucks. But he’s God and he knows best. But I praise God for looking out for me because I’m his child…when unsaved people find jobs, too… How does that work? I dunno, but for one day, at least, I’m not going to be a doubting Thomas. So we’ll see what happens. I have a job, and it pays junky, but hopefully it’ll get better after the 90 days.

So…God came through for me. Ya know, a lot of times we’re just like, hey, what the mess, why isn’t God providing for me? That’s his job, right? And we get angry and bitter that God isn’t doing what he should…I know, because I’ve been that way. But what about now? God has provided. He has, once again, proven himself faithful. So what is my response? I’m not gonna lie: my first response was, I’ve got a job, but I’ll hold off on thanking God until I know how good the job is…when I should be thankful to have a job at all! But isn’t that just like us as humans? I’m going to grumble about how much life stinks, but when it gets a little better…I’m going to grumble about that too. I have a job now…sure it’s minimum wage, but last time I checked, minimum wage is still a whole lot better than, well, nothing. You can check my math on that one, but I’m pretty sure I’m right…

So what is my response going to be? Am I going to thank God, or grumble? Realize how much he is working in my life, or complain that he’s not working enough? The answer should be obvious, and it is…but will the action follow?

A Conversation with Myself

Katy — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 18:59:51 +0000

Have you ever had a conversation with yourself? I have…generally after I’ve done something especially stupid and I’m beating myself up about it. Which seems to happen a lot, come to think of it. Oh, well. Anyway, this time y’all get the special privilege of listening in as I talk to myself.

So, hey Katy, what have you been up to lately?

Oh, not much, just hanging out, looking for a job, trying to stay out of trouble, throwing knives, trying to figure out just who in the world God is, planning a wedding…stuff like that.

Um, wow. Sounds like you’ve been kinda busy. What’s up with the looking for a job thing? I could have sworn you had that pretty awesome one with Wack-the-nut…what happened?

Hey…Wackenhut! Get it right! Anyway, yeah, got fired…long story short, I made an honest mistake, but lied to cover it up because I felt stupid. Then I lied a few more times…finally turned myself in, and got fired for it. I feel bad about both the lying, because everyone involved knew I was a Christian, and the getting fired, because I really kinda need a job. I don’t think it’s economically wise to live off your credit card.

What about chucking knives? Wouldn’t it be better for you if you just kinda, ya know, stayed away from the whole sharp objects thing? All those swords in your room probably aren’t helping you out, either…

I don’t know. Telling me to stay away from swords and weapons is like telling a cat-lover to stay away from cats…it’s just not likely to happen, ya know? The knives are fun to throw, though…and my brother and I even had a contest (he won). But knives, swords, throwing stars…I’ve always had a fascination with blades (not the Daywalker kind)…I don’t see that ever changing.

What’s this about wedding plans? I’ve been looking through this whole blog and haven’t found a single mention of engagement, wedding, or even who the mystery man is…what’s up with that?

Right, well, I haven’t blogged for a long time…the mystery man goes by Nathanael, and he is, well, pretty much totally amazing. We are engaged, obviously, and planning to be wedded early in January. Much has to happen before then…sometimes I think too much, but hey, that’s the way life goes.

So…who in the world is God? Back a few posts ago, you seemed to have that pretty much down…now you’re questioning that again. Why? God hasn’t changed. What he was then he is now. You’re the one who has been doing all the changing. So what’s up with that? How has your spiritual life been?

My spiritual life? You mean I’m supposed to have one of those? Because, well, for the most part, I don’t. And you’re right…God hasn’t changed. The difference is me. And I have changed, a lot. I’ve become definitely more cynical, more analytical. And I know it’s possible to be analytical and have faith, I just really haven’t reached that point yet. It’s hard to have faith in someone you just don’t know very well. Not that that’s God’s fault. It is totally mine…I haven’t spent much time trying to get to know him. One thing that’s been kind of pushing me back towards God is this: I cannot possibly be the best person I could be, live up to my full potential, without God. And if I’m not doing that, I’m not being the best person, employee, friend, lover, or fiance that I could be. And that’s not really fair to other people, employers, friends, and especially not to Nathanael. Make sense?

Yuppers, totally. Thanks for the update. Come back soon and blog more…people want to know what’s happening with you, okay? Ciao!

Doubt and Response

Katy — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:38:08 +0000

In my last blog post, I posted a poem that I had written several years ago, expressing doubt as to where God is in trouble. Recently I came across a poem that I wrote last semester in response to the questions raised in the first one. At first glance, the second one is fatalistic. At least, that’s what I thought when I first read it today. Then I read it again, and realized that my mindset was not fatalistic, but rather, trusting. Trusting that God is in control and does have a plan, and that I don’t have to know that plan. So here they are. Enjoy.

“Why?”

Where is God when I can’t find him?
Does he hide when life grows dim?
Why does he delight in keeping
All the knowledge that I’m seeking
Away from my hand?
I don’t understand.

“It doesn’t matter”

“Where is God when I can’t find him”
You must first seek to find.
“Does he hide when life grows dim?”
Perhaps the dimness is more kind.
“Why does he delight in keeping
All the knowledge that I’m seeking
Away from my hand?”
Peace for you will only start
When you cease to look within your heart
For the knowledge that you crave.
“I don’t understand.”
Nor will you till the grave.

It is not, perhaps, my best poetry. Sadly enough, I write my best poetry only when I’m depressed. But I think it gets the point across reasonably well.

Random Poetry (Written at least three years ago)

Katy — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 12:53:43 +0000

Go or Stay

God has made his will known;
In the Bible it is shown.
God desires an upright heart,
And I am willing to do my part.
God is looking for one who cares,
One who other’s burdens bears.
God is looking for one who’ll try.
Try, though he may be so shy.
“God, send me!” He’ll hear me say.
“I will go without delay.”
“But child,” my God might say,
“Are you willing just to stay?
To stay, and change a life today?”
“Sure, I’ll stay, but why not go?
There are many who still don’t know—“
“Child,” my gentle God cuts through.
“I’ll send someone; just not you!”
“Not me!” I cry. “But why, God, why?
Why can’t I go, I want to know; why?”
My God knows best, this is true;
And He always knows the best for you.
God has a great, wise master plan,
Which I don’t usually understand.
But He knows best, and tells me so,
Though I might find it hard, I know.
“God, help me through each trial and test
To understand that You know best.
And if you’ll have me stay, not go,
Your way is always best, I know.”

Why?

Where is God when I can’t find Him?
Does he hide when life grows dim?
Can He not understand
That without Him I can’t stand?
Why does He delight in keeping
All the knowledge I am seeking
Away from my hand?
I don’t understand.
I want to do what’s right, I know.
But in this way I just can’t go.
Where are you, where?
Sometimes I think You just don’t care!
Prove me wrong, O “God most High”!
Show me your way, or else I’ll die.

I welcome comments, either on the poetry itself or the thoughts expressed there-in. I do not necessarily think this way anymore, although sometimes I do.